cat scratches.

i've been distracting my mind with a square of static.
i didn't expect this.
i am so scared.
96 days & it feels so much longer. like forever.
i can't believe i drank myself that way.
"you are so far away."
it's hard to believe what has happened here.
"are we gonna make it?"
at least it was love.

i'm already out the door.

all of this, &for what?
i need a broadcast.
how did they know?
pressure i feel like pressure.

accidents reveal more than pain.
i wanted you to know, it was all there, hidden inside 2 straps of hemp.
now it's a rainbow, but it's still there.
don't think that it's passed.
don't forget that i'm fragile.

they're obsessed with california.
at least it was love.

in comparison, we carry a small load.

hiking in a dress through the faded green of summer.
shedding the clothes that have weighed me down for so long.
naked & vulnerable, i come alive in the cold.
barefoot on a river of asphalt,
coated in songs that will make one cry.
sheltered by touch, liberated by love:
this is a whole new playing field.
my prayers may be littered with apology,
but my eyes are soaked in grace.
sorry for scaring, afraid of scarring,
but never too far off to float.

fire ants.

i could be up for hours, but that won't make this judgment stick.
i could dive head first, but who's to say i won't eventually hit the bottom?
doubt is a ghost i cannot seem to swallow.
what a joy it is to find my weakness.
this will make or break me.
how wonderful to know that one decision will be either the best or worst of your life.

fucking.
wonderful.

i wish i knew one soul who has witnessed such a fork in the road to point me to glory.
the worst part is that i could cause suicide.
i've consciously taken it this far.
coward.
do i have it in me to set fire to someone's world?
i don't know if i could live with myself.
&if i trick myself into thinking it will only be for a season,
it would be perfectly convenient for the situation to snowball.
&then i fall apart in the avalanche.
the dilemma lies in the fact that i know i would be happy.
even if it were a pseudo-happy.

i can't help but think that You've made it clear.
it's written in the upholstery.

my heart is a puddle, a rope in knots.
he says he can untie it.
but can he be the sun?