dinos kill dinos.

december 3rd, 2007:

"you're a good person. i don't know if you know that, but you are."
-- seraphim

my heart is in a box, under lock&key.
i have never let you find it.
you've tried to break in time&time again, over&over, but have never even shifted the hinges.
for a reason.
the key is not meant for your hands.
you will never find its hiding place.
i will never let you in.
if love has defined my actions, then love is a lie.
if love is what has brought me to this place, then love is a wrecking ball.
if love is what has dominated my heart, then i am an enemy of all that is good.
better judgment is fighting for my life.
i will not be conquered by fear or uselessness or pain or loss of hope.
i lied so that i would not have to hurt so much,
&i believed those lies to the point where it didn't hurt at all.

april 6th through may 13th, 2008:

there is something to be said about strength.
moving across the country to fabricate a home as anything but where you've come from.
when opposites are desired, come to arizona.
&there is something to be said about alaska.
&then there's alaska.

i think it's safe to say that doubt is a shadow
&it's life force is death.
such is human nature.
but then there's evening & the comfort of family dinners.
&then there's nightfall, wrapped in the arms of someone who loves you,
&sleep comes on with the promise of morning light, viewed by eyes half-closed
with so much glad emotion, enough feeling to construct entire cities.

turn my heart inside out.
blanket my brain to contain the thoughts that so easily escape into the atmosphere beyond.

there is not enough to be said about a blank page.
to think that we've only just begun; we have a hell of a lot to look forward to.
strength is most present when weakness is most apparent.

goodbye, doubt. you're a shithead.
farewell, fear. you've hindered me most unsettlingly.

we've learned all of the things we were not meant to
&now we're deciding what to do with this composite of twisted logic,
this labyrinth of skewed truths.

i'll put music to your words & color to your thoughts.
this revelation of something more
&this void that is slowly growing larger
&this instinct of glory unseen
sometimes causes me to choke.

i have a hunch of explosion.
silly humanity.
involuntary actions bring questions of mortality
&purpose in a passing point in time.
of all of the galaxies!
tension mounts with open hours.
24, to be exact.
careless points of yellow light [or is it orange?].
endless miles of receding asphalt,
like the stuff that covers your head.
i have no concept of definitive lines of oil
&cannot grasp onto prepositions,
but i'll kick the ass of any absolute truth debate.

TAKE THAT, FUCKER.

cheers.

the photograph of before in color:

he moves into a new apartment three blocks up the street from the old one
&claims that this will be a brand new start.
but she still comes over & he still can't find a reason to get out of bed each morning.

call off the search: i am finally numb.

he hangs up the clothes he's worn for years, but a new closet revives the patterns.
the silverware is in a new drawer, therefore it is different.
fresh.

when did we become so complacent?

i came back to my friends but they're all the same.
they're all the same.
each kiss is the last, each tear makes him stronger, &each sunrise is the same.
they're all the same.

my lips are made of smoke.

the photograph of after in black&white:

the kings&queens of awesome town are establishing residency.
royalty flocks.
here lies the defining line between loneliness & decision,
housing deal breakers & meal makers.

week-old friends can't put a finger to my face, year-old love is stitched to my heart,
&we all spend days like cold, hard cash.

star-shaped slivers of paper are in the air in this room
&i grab at them as if they were pendants.
medals of honor.
tokens of victory.
a conquered city.

we long for the rain & for high-rise buildings
but we give directions in the sun & sleep in fake winter.

the kids build makeshift castles in the sandbox in the backyard
as the rest of us are lost in a circle of words & hands on the ceiling.

goodbye to the most defining year of my existence.
greetings to guaranteed awesome.

he found it on a park bench.

one swallow, two.
colors start to bleed & the walls begin to pulse.
i left my heart in the parking garage.

i am beginning to understand the volume of the situation.

autumn is a time for rearranging; summer left me no chance.
i have newfound hope in words past spoken, promises made long ago.
i cling to them like window sills, climbing to the roof where i will find the sun.

our cigarettes swallow miles.
your window's bleeding yellow.
your june carter is slowly dying in suburbia.
i scream at the clouds through the windshield.
i feel the filter trees but don't give them enough time.

i am beginning to understand the volume of the situation.

so we put our mouths together & call it love.
our lips are moving; we must be communicating.

the carpet melted.

cat scratches.

i've been distracting my mind with a square of static.
i didn't expect this.
i am so scared.
96 days & it feels so much longer. like forever.
i can't believe i drank myself that way.
"you are so far away."
it's hard to believe what has happened here.
"are we gonna make it?"
at least it was love.

i'm already out the door.

all of this, &for what?
i need a broadcast.
how did they know?
pressure i feel like pressure.

accidents reveal more than pain.
i wanted you to know, it was all there, hidden inside 2 straps of hemp.
now it's a rainbow, but it's still there.
don't think that it's passed.
don't forget that i'm fragile.

they're obsessed with california.
at least it was love.

in comparison, we carry a small load.

hiking in a dress through the faded green of summer.
shedding the clothes that have weighed me down for so long.
naked & vulnerable, i come alive in the cold.
barefoot on a river of asphalt,
coated in songs that will make one cry.
sheltered by touch, liberated by love:
this is a whole new playing field.
my prayers may be littered with apology,
but my eyes are soaked in grace.
sorry for scaring, afraid of scarring,
but never too far off to float.

fire ants.

i could be up for hours, but that won't make this judgment stick.
i could dive head first, but who's to say i won't eventually hit the bottom?
doubt is a ghost i cannot seem to swallow.
what a joy it is to find my weakness.
this will make or break me.
how wonderful to know that one decision will be either the best or worst of your life.

fucking.
wonderful.

i wish i knew one soul who has witnessed such a fork in the road to point me to glory.
the worst part is that i could cause suicide.
i've consciously taken it this far.
coward.
do i have it in me to set fire to someone's world?
i don't know if i could live with myself.
&if i trick myself into thinking it will only be for a season,
it would be perfectly convenient for the situation to snowball.
&then i fall apart in the avalanche.
the dilemma lies in the fact that i know i would be happy.
even if it were a pseudo-happy.

i can't help but think that You've made it clear.
it's written in the upholstery.

my heart is a puddle, a rope in knots.
he says he can untie it.
but can he be the sun?

recycled questions.

we needed to get out of here for a while.
maybe we could try to starve ourselves of this town.
start a fire.
throw our cigarettes in the river, followed by our feet.
the flames send the stars from the sky & we've replaced them with our hands.
i've never known nights like these, where voices are lifted up in smoke, eyes are closed but hearts are opened.
maybe it's possible to starve ourselves of this town.



i have always labored over lies,
though i have never labored over so many words.
i have always been good at holding my tongue,
but i have never found so much difficulty in silence.

i lost sight in the sun.

i bet they look at my photographs & wish they lived my life,
while i am simultaneously looking at theirs & wishing i could do the same.

i am alone in a bookstore corner, scanning pages with eyes of cynicism.
you swear that if you saw me, i would no longer be alone,
yet here i sit for another day.
i choose written words over phone calls & road trips.
i am notorious.
say something, do another.
i swear i'm sober, then take another sip.
adventure might free me of this,
but nothing will ever kill it.
no one ever gives out invitations to a dance party.



32 days clean & i am shrinking.

erosion.

i wish i could connect the stems of my brain to a typewriter & record all the thoughts that are constantly fighting for my attention.



the leaves sometimes sound like water.
have you noticed?



i'm crying out to God but holding hands with sin.

100 truths.

001. Real name → shirley amelia temple.
003. Are you married → 49 years &counting.
004. Zodiac sign → belize.
005. Male or female → it.
006. Elementary → jupiter academy for youngsters.
007. Middle School → galactic adventure for older youngsters.
008. Highschool → the sun.
010. Hair color → pinkish.
011. Long or short → midlength.
015. Are you a health freak → soymilk.
017. Do you have a crush on someone → my beautiful husband.
018. Do you like yourself→ i enjoy my boobs.
019. Piercings → nipples.
020. Tattoos → penis.
021. Righty or lefty → ambidextrous.

FIRSTS :

022. First surgery → bellybutton removal at birth.
023. First piercing → nipples.
024. First best friend → judy garland.
025. First award → porn star of the year.
026. First sport you joined → intergalactic frisbee golf.
027. First pet → my beautiful husband.
028. First vacation → intergalactic frisbee golf tournament in galaxy cX4o2.
029. First concert → aerosmith on the moon.
030. First crush → ronald reagan.

CURRENTLY :

049. Eating → a mexican buffet.
050. Drinking → shitloads of tequila.
052. I'm about to → make love to my beautiful husband.
053. Listening to → a mexican gangfight/cockfight.
055. Waiting for → thumbbody special.
058. Want kids? → green alien babies.
059. Want to get married?→ 4 wives.
060. Careers in mind?→ tree fruit anthropologist.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? :

068. Lips or eyes → nose.
069. Hugs or kisses → heavy breathing.
070. Shorter or taller → green.
072. Romantic or spontaneous → whore.
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → hairy chest.
074. Sensitive or loud → fisherman.

HAVE YOU EVER :

078. Kissed a stranger → judy garland & ronald reagan.
079. Drank bubbles → tequila.
080. Lost glasses/contacts → penis.
081. Ran away from home → with the entire richard nixon administration.
084. Broken somone's heart → in half, with my bare tentacles.
085. Been arrested?→ shoes hanging on powerlines.
086. Turned someone down → hallelujah.
087. Cried when someone died → my lovely lady lumps.
088. Liked a friend → ronald reagan.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

089. Yourself→ wednesday.
090. Miracles → magic in a young girl's heart.
091. Love at first sight→ at first bite.
092. Heaven → it's in my sheets.
093. Santa Claus → he was in my sheets too.
094. Kiss on first date → judy garland.
096. Angels → baby phat.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

097. Is there a person you want to be with right now? → dear old ronald reagan.
098. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time → polygamy.
099. Do you believe in God?→ richard nixon.
100. Post as 100 Truths... no.

appliances as furniture.

certain songs cause you to find certain streets once the sun disappears. it's like speeding over old scars. now it is healing those marks & creating new flesh.

darkness reveals my heart.

& i don't like it.

i was swimming in a sea of ashes.

this will not be your favorite book.

you will not like this book.

this will be my ugly heart.

deceit.

give me a bicycle to get away from myself.

you will not read this.

if your eyes find these words, i am sorry.

i am hiding even still.

"the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."

i want it clean, but you attach every string.

so many words.

i don't want the words.

just the mistake.

you felt that, but you do not feel it now.

sincere?

i wonder if i ever will be.

always hiding.

take your money & throw it in the fire.

i am a liar.

monster.

fuckfuckfuck.

the shame would blind you.

i am easy to leave.

if you only knew the eye you should keep on me.

liar.

monster.

i want you to know.

i wish i could tell you.

but i can't.

fuckfuckfuck.

am i worth fixing?

am i still welcome?

i do not want you to see the monster i am.

liar.

i do not want to break your heart all over again.

i am sorry.

monster.

medication of the sort.

i have been sprinkling salt water over barren fields these days.
the crops are choking beneath the surface, desperate for the sun to bring them up out of darkness, yet unaware that such light will bring life.

i have been set apart.
but this holy thing bites like isolation.
i need other human souls to pour into mine & gauge me back to full.

i have been covered with unparalleled love, but i can't help but notice this patch of my heart is dry & cracking.
my setting apart is a blessing - evidence of His present work.
i know He is proud.
i know there is reason.
so i will climb to the other side stronger. redeemed.

may my faith overcome my human mind.

reminiscent of a sea-do.

i am strung out on grace.
the smoke lingers.

can you tell me why this shame bites at my heels?
my silhouette is chased by a nameless grief.
send sweet freedom rain to my eyelids;

let me feel it on my lips.

i am strung out on grace.

the smoke lingers.

.

these divine words fall on my hands like white powder,

like a liquid to refresh my veins.

tangible, if only to my heart alone;

open your jaws.

if this is security, i am unshakeable.

if this is wisdom, i am undeniable.

if this is hope, i am free.

.

"& you will sing on the skin of those you ink, on their unsung skin."

.

i am strung out on grace.

the smoke lingers.

medley.

it's like freeways on the back of your arms.
morning rush hour on streets of filtered water.
we're learning how to float, we're learning science.
we're learning plenty of things we were never supposed to know.
but who's to say? who is talking?
they shut the barn doors, boarded them up.
so we would never have to smell defeat.
my nose is full of this world.
let's play store - i'll trade my sins for your grace.
though it was never really my choice.
it was an unsuspecting heartwake.
what a place; to never hate the weather.

& then she swallows.

there are parts of me that need fixing.