cheers.

the photograph of before in color:

he moves into a new apartment three blocks up the street from the old one
&claims that this will be a brand new start.
but she still comes over & he still can't find a reason to get out of bed each morning.

call off the search: i am finally numb.

he hangs up the clothes he's worn for years, but a new closet revives the patterns.
the silverware is in a new drawer, therefore it is different.
fresh.

when did we become so complacent?

i came back to my friends but they're all the same.
they're all the same.
each kiss is the last, each tear makes him stronger, &each sunrise is the same.
they're all the same.

my lips are made of smoke.

the photograph of after in black&white:

the kings&queens of awesome town are establishing residency.
royalty flocks.
here lies the defining line between loneliness & decision,
housing deal breakers & meal makers.

week-old friends can't put a finger to my face, year-old love is stitched to my heart,
&we all spend days like cold, hard cash.

star-shaped slivers of paper are in the air in this room
&i grab at them as if they were pendants.
medals of honor.
tokens of victory.
a conquered city.

we long for the rain & for high-rise buildings
but we give directions in the sun & sleep in fake winter.

the kids build makeshift castles in the sandbox in the backyard
as the rest of us are lost in a circle of words & hands on the ceiling.

goodbye to the most defining year of my existence.
greetings to guaranteed awesome.

he found it on a park bench.

one swallow, two.
colors start to bleed & the walls begin to pulse.
i left my heart in the parking garage.

i am beginning to understand the volume of the situation.

autumn is a time for rearranging; summer left me no chance.
i have newfound hope in words past spoken, promises made long ago.
i cling to them like window sills, climbing to the roof where i will find the sun.

our cigarettes swallow miles.
your window's bleeding yellow.
your june carter is slowly dying in suburbia.
i scream at the clouds through the windshield.
i feel the filter trees but don't give them enough time.

i am beginning to understand the volume of the situation.

so we put our mouths together & call it love.
our lips are moving; we must be communicating.

the carpet melted.

cat scratches.

i've been distracting my mind with a square of static.
i didn't expect this.
i am so scared.
96 days & it feels so much longer. like forever.
i can't believe i drank myself that way.
"you are so far away."
it's hard to believe what has happened here.
"are we gonna make it?"
at least it was love.

i'm already out the door.

all of this, &for what?
i need a broadcast.
how did they know?
pressure i feel like pressure.

accidents reveal more than pain.
i wanted you to know, it was all there, hidden inside 2 straps of hemp.
now it's a rainbow, but it's still there.
don't think that it's passed.
don't forget that i'm fragile.

they're obsessed with california.
at least it was love.