dinos kill dinos.

december 3rd, 2007:

"you're a good person. i don't know if you know that, but you are."
-- seraphim

my heart is in a box, under lock&key.
i have never let you find it.
you've tried to break in time&time again, over&over, but have never even shifted the hinges.
for a reason.
the key is not meant for your hands.
you will never find its hiding place.
i will never let you in.
if love has defined my actions, then love is a lie.
if love is what has brought me to this place, then love is a wrecking ball.
if love is what has dominated my heart, then i am an enemy of all that is good.
better judgment is fighting for my life.
i will not be conquered by fear or uselessness or pain or loss of hope.
i lied so that i would not have to hurt so much,
&i believed those lies to the point where it didn't hurt at all.

april 6th through may 13th, 2008:

there is something to be said about strength.
moving across the country to fabricate a home as anything but where you've come from.
when opposites are desired, come to arizona.
&there is something to be said about alaska.
&then there's alaska.

i think it's safe to say that doubt is a shadow
&it's life force is death.
such is human nature.
but then there's evening & the comfort of family dinners.
&then there's nightfall, wrapped in the arms of someone who loves you,
&sleep comes on with the promise of morning light, viewed by eyes half-closed
with so much glad emotion, enough feeling to construct entire cities.

turn my heart inside out.
blanket my brain to contain the thoughts that so easily escape into the atmosphere beyond.

there is not enough to be said about a blank page.
to think that we've only just begun; we have a hell of a lot to look forward to.
strength is most present when weakness is most apparent.

goodbye, doubt. you're a shithead.
farewell, fear. you've hindered me most unsettlingly.

we've learned all of the things we were not meant to
&now we're deciding what to do with this composite of twisted logic,
this labyrinth of skewed truths.

i'll put music to your words & color to your thoughts.
this revelation of something more
&this void that is slowly growing larger
&this instinct of glory unseen
sometimes causes me to choke.

i have a hunch of explosion.
silly humanity.
involuntary actions bring questions of mortality
&purpose in a passing point in time.
of all of the galaxies!
tension mounts with open hours.
24, to be exact.
careless points of yellow light [or is it orange?].
endless miles of receding asphalt,
like the stuff that covers your head.
i have no concept of definitive lines of oil
&cannot grasp onto prepositions,
but i'll kick the ass of any absolute truth debate.

TAKE THAT, FUCKER.

cheers.

the photograph of before in color:

he moves into a new apartment three blocks up the street from the old one
&claims that this will be a brand new start.
but she still comes over & he still can't find a reason to get out of bed each morning.

call off the search: i am finally numb.

he hangs up the clothes he's worn for years, but a new closet revives the patterns.
the silverware is in a new drawer, therefore it is different.
fresh.

when did we become so complacent?

i came back to my friends but they're all the same.
they're all the same.
each kiss is the last, each tear makes him stronger, &each sunrise is the same.
they're all the same.

my lips are made of smoke.

the photograph of after in black&white:

the kings&queens of awesome town are establishing residency.
royalty flocks.
here lies the defining line between loneliness & decision,
housing deal breakers & meal makers.

week-old friends can't put a finger to my face, year-old love is stitched to my heart,
&we all spend days like cold, hard cash.

star-shaped slivers of paper are in the air in this room
&i grab at them as if they were pendants.
medals of honor.
tokens of victory.
a conquered city.

we long for the rain & for high-rise buildings
but we give directions in the sun & sleep in fake winter.

the kids build makeshift castles in the sandbox in the backyard
as the rest of us are lost in a circle of words & hands on the ceiling.

goodbye to the most defining year of my existence.
greetings to guaranteed awesome.

he found it on a park bench.

one swallow, two.
colors start to bleed & the walls begin to pulse.
i left my heart in the parking garage.

i am beginning to understand the volume of the situation.

autumn is a time for rearranging; summer left me no chance.
i have newfound hope in words past spoken, promises made long ago.
i cling to them like window sills, climbing to the roof where i will find the sun.

our cigarettes swallow miles.
your window's bleeding yellow.
your june carter is slowly dying in suburbia.
i scream at the clouds through the windshield.
i feel the filter trees but don't give them enough time.

i am beginning to understand the volume of the situation.

so we put our mouths together & call it love.
our lips are moving; we must be communicating.

the carpet melted.